Zoo Animal Council Meeting Minutes 

Giraffe: The next item is the proposed Anti-Shit-Throwing Resolution. This is unrelated to the incident by the ice cream cart and not intended to assign blame. Its authors, some of whom reside within hucking distance of the primate habitat, would simply like to make a non-binding community statement in opposition to the hurling of feces at zoo visitors and other residents. I myself don't believe it's appropriate for the council to condemn some viewpoints or support others, like whether we should throw feces. We'll now begin public comment.

Llama: Good evening. I don't see why we're having this conversation. In all my years in the petting zoo, I've never seen anyone throw manure. We have hooves; it's just not possible. The very suggestion is offensive. [Spits directly onto microphone.] And this resolution had better not restrict spitting. [Spits again.]

Giraffe: Thank you. To clarify, spitting is not in the resolution, which we handed out earlier ... and I see some of you have already eaten your copies. Next.

Howler Monkey: Hello, yes. [Forty seconds of guttural roaring.] Those of you familiar with my blog, my podcast, my newsletter and my near constant yelling already know I am against this Anti-Shit-Throwing Resolution. Firstly, this zoo is already a safe, welcoming and hygienic establishment and I have never heard a complaint above the sound of my own deafening and belch-like growling. Secondly, this is an attack on me and my fellow primates, singled out and persecuted once again. [More guttural roaring.] Finally, some zoo attendees, particularly children, are absolutely begging to get tagged with a fresh turd. Waving their popsicles, crying, then crying more when you land one on their ear. Them and the Capybara. We're all thinking it.

Penguin: Hi, yes. We don't want to single anyone out here and we don't want to seem negative. Especially regarding the primates, who have the right to their beliefs. And their personality issues. "Anti" feels negative. What if we went with "pro-not-throwing-shit?"

Giraffe: Reasonable. We're now considering a Pro-Not-Throwing-Shit Resolution. Next speaker.

Chimpanzee: Listen —

Giraffe: There's no smoking.

Chimpanzee: Fine. [Stubs out cigarette.] I've been here since most of you were a twinkle in the eye of the perv zookeeper trying to get your parents to mate. I threw my feces at him and when he retired, I threw feces at his replacement. And I'll throw feces at the next one. It's free speech and I refuse to be censored. That's all.

Capybara: If I may, this resolution doesn't restrict anyone's — ah! [Struck by what appears to be fecal matter.]

[Roaring and ear-splitting eee-eee sounds.]

Giraffe: I'm sorry, you cannot speak covered in filth.

Capybara: OK, but I'm right next to the primate exhibit and this happens all the —

Giraffe: Let's not point fingers. We have standards of decorum and civility. Please make yourself presentable before addressing the council. Tiger, you have the mic.

Tiger: First, let me say, I'm an ally. But all the complaining about shit slinging isn't helping zoo revenue or my chances at a larger enclosure, and this resolution is creating more turmoil. We need to get the kids and the oversized rodents to stop getting hit with shit. Like, the kids could just stay in the petting zoo. And the Capybara could crouch behind the water trough at the far end of its habitat until sundown, like they used to. We need to take the whole community into consideration instead of asking those of us not currently being pelted with crap to take a stand and possibly get crap thrown at us in retaliation. I recommend all prey animals and soft, fleshy children avoid drawing attention in the first place because you're basically asking to be lunch. Or to be hit with crap. Thank you.

Pygmy Marmoset Monkey: [Climbs mic stand, flicks tiny bead of crap at Capybara, scurries away.]

Capybara: Are you just going to let him —

Giraffe: Look at that little guy. So tiny! Next speaker.

Penguin: It seems like we've still got some pushback on the Pro-Not-Throwing-Shit Resolution as divisive. And by pushback, I mean some of the feces that hit the Capybara whizzed past pretty close to me. How about a Kindness Resolution?

Giraffe: Yeah. Sure. We're now looking at a Kindness Resolution.

Baboon: I would like to address the issue of so-called kindness. Is it kind when those of us in the habitat by the ice cream cart are accused of throwing our own filth at strangers? What about when we're hit with a ricochet? I don't see anyone proposing resolutions to be kind to us. Has anyone considered the Capybara might be the one pitching shit at us? At himself? The fact that this very resolution might land the kindness police at his enclosure for his unkind anti-shit-throwing comments? Why is a rodent so freakishly big anyway? It's the size of a boar. What the hell? It makes me want to throw my feces, honestly.

Giraffe: You've given us a lot to think about. He is freakishly large for a rodent. I think we can agree as a community — except for the big, weird rat — that the Kindness Resolution is a no-go. I appreciate everyone's input and urge you to come back next week, when we discuss the Anti-Giant-Rat Resolution. Thank you.

Jennifer Fumiko Cahill (she/her) is the arts and features editor at the Journal. Reach her at (707) 442-1400, extension 320, or [email protected]. Follow her on Instagram @JFumikoCahill and on Mastodon @jenniferfumikocahill.